so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
