im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
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