dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
