I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
