I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
