a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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