dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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