i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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