Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
