How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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