My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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