You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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