I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
