Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
