I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
