o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You are a genius and a whore.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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