Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
