Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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