It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
