A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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