Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's official drugs can't kill me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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