Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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