If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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