I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
