Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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