I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
