I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
