Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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