just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
