She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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