My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
