Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
