come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
