Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
