You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
