Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
