I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
