I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
