just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.