There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I supernannyed him into submission
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