Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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