4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
