8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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