they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
