70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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