It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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