that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
