I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
