You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
