I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
