This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
