can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
