As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
