I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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