Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
