Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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