i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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