at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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